Having just left Burlington House, home of the Royal Society of Chemistry, myself and the good Miss Logan headed across the road to Fortnum and Mason, noted purveyor of all things both well made and British.
For those of you that haven't been it is a huge store, spread over five levels, selling all manner of things. From hampers to walking canes, from crystal to brandy, from suitcases to braces. We examined a floor plan and I was particularly taken with level three.
We made our way up in one of the oak panelled elevators and found the most wondrous array of all the accessories a gentleman adventurer could possibly need. Writing implements, globes, telescopes, compasses, hour glasses, braces, dressing gowns, pyjamas, mirrors, walking canes, hats (though not as may as I would have preferred), leather suitcases and a veritable cornucopia of assorted gentlemanly paraphernalia.
Indeed a considerable amount of time was spent admiring the trinkets on display. Finally, having sated our appetite for level three we returned to the floor plan and continued to explore the store, climbing between the levels on the red carpeted oak staircases.
One item did rather stick out on the floor plan. On level four (of which I'm sorry to say I did not get a photo of) was listed "The St James' Restaurant", "The Burlington Room", and "The Drawing Room (by invitation only)".
Myself and Miss Logan were intrigued. How exactly does one acquire an invitation to the drawing room? We pondered this for a few moments and then decided it best to ask one of the many attendants that occupy the various levels of Fortum and Mason. These fine gentlemen can be easily distinguished by their cyan ties and long black tailcoats. I was feeling suitably dressed in my coat and waistcoat, my hat was removed, and so I approached one of the gentlemen.
"Excuse me."
"Yes Sir, How can I help Sir?"
"I noticed on your floor plan you list 'The Drawing Room' and that it is by invitation only. I was merely curious as to what one has to do to merit an invitation."
"The Drawing room sir?"
"Yes."
"Can't say I've heard of it Sir."
"Really?"
"No Sir."
"It is listed on your floor plan."
"I'm afraid I've never heard of it Sir."
Curious.
Perhaps someone else knew about it. So myself and Miss Logan headed off in search of another of the tailcoated assistants.
"The Drawing Room?"
"Yes!"
"I never knew we had such a place."
Hmm...
We asked another, and another, and another. None of them seemed to know of the drawing room. This was most odd. Either there was a mysterious room, that had inserted itself into the store and mind wiped all those that worked there, or we were poking our noses into a deadly conspiracy. It's quite probable that while we were investigation an intercom was ringing somewhere on the fifth floor and a shadowy figure answered it in a gruff voice.
"What is it?"
"Sir, some people are asking questions about the drawing room."
Slight pause.
"Deal with them."
By this point myself and Miss Logan were working our way round the staff in the wines and spirits section at the very bottom of the store in the basement. I was casting my eye over the assembled liquors which featured several bottles which I had never seen before. I turned back to Miss Logan, but she had vanished. I cast an eye over the shop floor. There were a few customers, a couple of assistants in tailcoats conversing at the counter, and then my eye was drawn to a small doorway. A velvet rope had been pulled aside and above the door hung a sign, in ominous Gothic writing, bearing the words "The Crypt".
Slipping past the attendants I made my way down a narrow staircase before emerging in a small room. The walls were stacked high with bottles of every kind. You know the potions room from Shrek 2? Like that. On lop of the bottle laden cabinets that were set against the walls stood bottles of champagne the size of children! Miss Logan had indeed found her way down into the Crypt and fortunately was not tied to an altar or at gun point or any similar nuisance. In addition to her was a store attendant and a tall portly customer who was in the process of a tasting.
We made ourselves scarce, perusing the bottles as if we may actually have had the money to afford one. The oldest we came across was a bottle of brandy from 1865. It didn't have a price tag.
The tasting was completed, the customer left and the attendant turned to us.
"Is there anything I can help your with?"
"Yes." replied Miss Logan, "We want to know how one gets an invitation to the drawing room."
The assistant replied "The Drawing room? Ina ll my nine years of working here I've never heard of it."
But his eyes told a different story, one look said it all, it said
"Go. Go now. You have little time. They are already coming for you. I wish I could help but they'll kill me for talking to you! You have to get out! Only then can you hope to unravel this!"
He had very expressive eyes.
"Well, I must be going." he said.
"Indeed." I replied, "We have a train to catch."
With that we strode confidently but quickly out of the store. High up on level five the intercom rang.
"Sir. They've escaped."
"Don't worry." replied the gruff shadowy figure, "This one writes an internet blog. That should tell us all we need to know."
And with that, he reclined into his chair cackling.
Apologies that it's been a while since updating! Also apologies to keep you waiting on the response from the palace! I will get around to that soon!
